LOST: Pair of Canons, One Careful Owner

In the news this week is the outrageous theft of 2 canons from outside St George's Barracks, Gosport. The piece caught my eye partly because I lived in Gosport in the 1970s and, therefore, know both the location and, indeed, the actual canons in question. They were displayed at the entrance to the barracks and presented a fine approach to this worthy establishment. For those of you reading from around the world Gosport is one half of Portsmouth harbour on the south coast of England. It is mainly a naval area, Portsmouth itself being the final resting place of HMS Victory, Nelson's flagship at the Battle of Trafalgar. Less famous, Gosport is where early hovercraft experiments took place and it is just around the corner from that location that you would find St George's Barracks. Even as I write I can smell the sea being churned up by the hovercraft as it crossed the road and entered the Solent at Lee on Sea.

Theft of public property has always been a problem and I am not for one minute going to suggest that it is worse today than it was 30 years ago when I lived in Gosport, as the following story will reveal.

One of my young friends took particular delight in going on expeditions to steal items that mostly belonged to the public domain and these were often brought back to my house rather like a cat presenting a dead mouse. I was the only member of our 'gang' who lived independently being in my late 20s compared to their early 20s or even late teens. Mostly, I found myself acquiring an impressive collection of signs which I must say, looking back, would have made an ideal Tate Modern piece on modern culture. However, one day a family of high quality stone or presumably moulded garden gnomes appeared. In those days the only garden gnomes that were normally available were plastic, smaller, and the subject of ridicule, being considered in extremely bad taste. These, however, were aristocrats, ahead of their time in setting a standard that would be difficult to surpass. My heart sank. What to do. My young friend and his accomplice(s) were especially pleased with their 'find' and would hear nothing of protest from me. They were certainly not the least interested in returning the gnomes to their rightful owners so I did what I believed was the only decent option available which was to stash the gnomes in the garden shed, alongside all the signs and there they lay for many months.

Life moved on and some 9 months later the time came for me to leave Gosport and move to Germany where I worked for the Ministry of Defence. The 'gang' was dissolving also as each one made other plans in their lives. There came a moment when all our belongings were packed off into storage, apart from the gnomes! What to do. This time I put my foot down. The gnomes were to be returned to the garden from whence they had been removed. And so it was. In the dead of night the family were placed carefully back in the garden, spread out and working as before.

I would love to have seen the expressions on the faces of the owners and listened to their conversations about the return of the gnomes. For my part I believe I turned the highly dishonourable practice of theft around and left the situation better than it was at the outset.

Back in the 21st century I would like to believe that the canons are in someone's shed, stolen only for the devilment of doing it. Alas, I fear they were stolen for profit and by now have been moved to their new home, never to return to St George's Barracks - unless the gnomes know differently.

Pierre