No Regrets

For someone who has gone through life with the idea that we should never dwell on the past - just enjoy it while you can - then move on to something else, I seem to spend an excessive amount of time examining my own particulars. Perhaps not so surprising since my profession meant that my best stance was to be as invisible as possible. Mind you, the idea that I could ever be invisible is amusing to say the least but certainly when I did draw attention to myself (and that was often) the subject was always other people or structural dynamics in organisations. How many of us can resisit the temptation when a friend tells us something to respond with our own version of the same thing. Even if we are being sympathetic we still can only manage it by direct comparison with our own experiences along similar lines. And that is exactly what the psychotherapist does not do. Indeed, I suspect it is one of the very few points that all (yes ALL) psychotherapists can agree on. No one visits a therapist to hear about his or her problems or opinions and if the therapist is unwise enough to voice them the therapeutic power is instantly diminished. I am not saying you have to be a good listener. Far from it. I always took the view that you only listened in order to understand what the family members were doing to one another. If you just let them express themselves you would do no good at all. They would simply repeat their problems over and over again. I was always a very controlling therapist, although I did it in the nicest possible way, but there was never any doubt who was in charge.

At the time I believed in what I was doing. Looking back I realise how much of it was an ego trip and how much I desperately wanted to be a famous and successful therapist. So why didn't it happen?

There was a period in my career when I was on local radio most weeks, the chair of our professional organisation in the city in which I worked, organising national conferences and making documentaries for television companies. I remember quite clearly the realisation came to me that if I carried on the way I was I was about to hit the media like a new TV Chef. Did I want that to happen? I came to the conclusion that the answer was a resounding 'No'. I knew that it would end my carefully contrived position of sitting on the edge of what was going on - 'meta to the system' as we say. The media is pretty well meta to the system anyway and in so many ways which are counter to what psychotherapy is all about. To work in the media you have to have an opinion about everything and be ready to express it in 2 minutes flat whenever a microphone is shoved in your face. My great achievement was the one down position - the true position of power. I often used to joke with people that if I came at them strong with lots of noise and opinions they were fairly safe - but look out if I seem unsure of myself and say I don't know. In that mode I could change the world. So the world of media was hardly my thing.

The other thing I remember contemplating at that time (the mid eighties) was something my son did. I only made one early evening news broadcast for the BBC and inevitably my family recorded it. Some while after I was looking for the tape and eventually discovered that my son had recorded over it a film about Oliver Reed crossing the alps with a herd of elephants. His comment was that my piece was very boring. It would have been different if I had got shot or something. Of course he was right. Most people watch TV for entertainment.

Anyway, from then onwards I made sure that I never went too far in the direction of celebrity. I value my anonymity, moreso now than ever. I dread to think how my family would have coped with a famous father also. Growing up is hard enough as it is.

My conclusion is that I did what I set out to do which was to practice psychotherapy. Along the way I had a fair number of firsts and I stirred up a few controversies. I had a great time and do not regret a single minute - highs or lows. I did not become famous but then I did not set out to become famous although I did get palpitations at the smell of the grease paint, and always will. I did not become rich although I made a good living. I always said that if I wanted to get rich I would not be doing what I was doing. I did not want to be rich (or poor). So, I am content with my life and if I had it all over again - yes I would do something completely different because I never dwell on the past - move on always.

I wonder how many people can agree with my views. Very few I suspect. Sadly, the American Dream - rags to riches - has become the British Dream. We live more than ever for fame and fortune, preferably by instant methods, whether winning the lottery, being on Big Brother or just being in the right place at the right time. How many of us can say we had that dream in our sights - and then woke up just in time?

Pierre